Ten Resolutions for the New Year:
1. Lose weight so you can dress slutty like a biker chick who can’t actually ride a motorcycle because that’s a very dangerous pastime.
2. Get a tattoo even though you’re afraid of needles, pansyass.
3. Watch all those seasons of TV on DVD that you bought last year while you were drunk on amazon.
4. Remember how you quit drinking? That’s why. Keep it up.
5. You know very well that you will never have to resolve to read. However, here is a list of books that have been sitting in your to-read pile for over a year: Gravity’s Rainbow, Absalom, Absalom!, The Brothers Karamazov, Blood Meridian, Ulysses, Infinite Jest. Stop reading Charlaine Harris “novels” and expand your mind a little bit so you won’t sound like such a dumbass when you accidentally get into literary conversations with your new cook buddy. Maybe you should also consider re-reading: The Golden Notebook, East of Eden, 100 Years of Solitude, The New York Trilogy and Proust.
6. It’s time to start either telling people what you think of them or shutting up about what you think about people. If you don’t have the balls to say something bitchy to someone’s face, you probably shouldn’t say it at all. If you do have the balls, then by all means, go ahead.
7. Save some money, because that’s a staple resolution and you put it on your list not intending to do it every year.
8. Learn to cook and (9.) learn to sew, so you can go off the grid someday and still feed yourself and have cute clothes.
10. Learn to live with less stuff. Follow more of the organizational rules set forth in Real Simple.
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